I love the energy here. Modern fatherhood IS an obsession when you're intentional about it. I grew up without a model for the kind of father I want to be, so I'm building it from scratch. Posts like this remind me I'm not alone in that.
I sense less apologising for men coming from your writing whilst maintaining your commitment to hard conversations where they're demonstrably required. This gives me some hope for your your capacity to reach beyond elites and actually speak to young men. There are a few other celebrity social commentators about men's and boys issues that could do a little less apologising along the way as well. t
One of the things I’ve increasingly come to appreciate is that fatherhood doesn’t simply shape children; it reshapes fathers.
Much of the discussion around men focuses on what they’re missing, but responsibility itself seems to be transformative. The more responsibility I’ve taken on as a husband, father, uncle, brother etc the less my life has revolved around me.
It would be interesting to know how much of the current conversation about men is really a conversation about responsibility rather than masculinity alone.
Purpose changes when a man becomes a father. Success is no longer measured by what he accumulates, but by what his children inherit. Not just financially, but in character, discipline, and values. Kids learn more from what a man consistently does, rather than what he says. Character is taught to the kids way before anything is spoken.
This is my daily work. I mentor boys and young men in Philadelphia, and the "father figure" piece you name, the coach, the mentor, the uncle, is often the difference-maker. I see the outsized impact you're describing play out in real time.
I am a fan since reading your book Of Boys and Men, as it really helped guide me in my own work. Looking forward to your next project on fatherhood which is a very important topic to me personally and professionally.
"Fatherhood is the ultimate expression of mature, pro-social masculinity."
I admit this idea bothers me a bit. The use of the word ultimate, in particular, strikes me as a way to introduce tunnel vision to the discussion of masculinity. It feels subtly demeaning to the men that choose not to be fathers for (as an example) environmental reasons. It also implies that there are not ways for childfree men to mature or be seen as pro-social. My husband and I do not want to have kids, but I can attest that my husband's maturity has not taken any hits due to this decision.
I worry that this idea and the way it's phrased will have unintended consequences. While there are certainly benefits to reexamining fatherhood, I am hoping that this research doesn't end up myopic and even pressure men into having kids they may not want or be able to manage for reasons they may not be able to fully change.
Looking forward to seeing the impact of your work on fathers’ involvement in their children’s lives, Richard! I’m sure it will inform the work of National Fatherhood Initiative®.
I’m looking forward to Dad Brain. Im hopeful about this fatherly direction for AIBM.
What I hope it doesn’t turn into is a punching down through attempts to feminize men into roles that serve the wife in the short term and no one in the long term.
For instance, creating a norm that more inside household domestic duties automatically means positive growth. That lowered testosterone levels is automatically a good thing.
It is brilliant to hear this is an area you are focusing on. From the work I’ve done in this space the challenge often wasn’t dad’s not wanting to be involved, present and supportive, but rather the issue was integration. Lacking the tools to be the type of dad they want to be.
Fatherhood is one path. Not all men want to be fathers. There are other paths for men to walk.
I chose not to be a father. I had good reasons for it. I honor the men who can make the conscious choice to be good fathers...and I hope more men recognize the responsibility that comes with that choice.
I'd love to hear how "becoming a father has a salutary effect on men...economically". I am married in my late 30s and more or less resigned to probably never getting to be a father because there is no realistic scenario in which my spouse and I will ever earn enough money to afford to be parents.
I had my first child at age 20 with the parents both in college and working. I then had children in my 30s and 40s. I was able to provide more luxuries to my children later in life but even the two youngest experienced nice vacations and private schools. Your children do not need the latest video games, phones, etc. They need love, attention, shelter, and food. You can't recoup time, so I say put aside those thoughts and have the children.
Thanks for the encouragement, but it sounds like we live in very different socioeconomic environments. My thoughts are not about private school and vacations; they're much more, how would we pay for childcare and seeing a pediatrician? (Being gay I also don't get to be a father without proving I am economically fit to do so to child protective services or an adoption agency, which is paradoxically quite expensive in its own right.)
Do you have an employer? Insurance? That's how you pay for a pediatrician. Daycare is either one of two things. You pay for it and have two working parents or you have a parent stay home. As far as adopting a child; all couples or people go through vetting including financial regardless of your sexual orientation. In your late 30s, you should be financially stable or, at a minimum, close to being so. You don't need to be in the top percentage of earnings to raise children. I grew up very lower middle class and we survived just fine.
I love the energy here. Modern fatherhood IS an obsession when you're intentional about it. I grew up without a model for the kind of father I want to be, so I'm building it from scratch. Posts like this remind me I'm not alone in that.
I sense less apologising for men coming from your writing whilst maintaining your commitment to hard conversations where they're demonstrably required. This gives me some hope for your your capacity to reach beyond elites and actually speak to young men. There are a few other celebrity social commentators about men's and boys issues that could do a little less apologising along the way as well. t
Thank you.
One of the things I’ve increasingly come to appreciate is that fatherhood doesn’t simply shape children; it reshapes fathers.
Much of the discussion around men focuses on what they’re missing, but responsibility itself seems to be transformative. The more responsibility I’ve taken on as a husband, father, uncle, brother etc the less my life has revolved around me.
It would be interesting to know how much of the current conversation about men is really a conversation about responsibility rather than masculinity alone.
Purpose changes when a man becomes a father. Success is no longer measured by what he accumulates, but by what his children inherit. Not just financially, but in character, discipline, and values. Kids learn more from what a man consistently does, rather than what he says. Character is taught to the kids way before anything is spoken.
This is my daily work. I mentor boys and young men in Philadelphia, and the "father figure" piece you name, the coach, the mentor, the uncle, is often the difference-maker. I see the outsized impact you're describing play out in real time.
I am a fan since reading your book Of Boys and Men, as it really helped guide me in my own work. Looking forward to your next project on fatherhood which is a very important topic to me personally and professionally.
Mark Twain observed that around the age of 12, a boy picks a man to admire and imitates him for the rest of his life.
That man should be his father.
"Fatherhood is the ultimate expression of mature, pro-social masculinity."
I admit this idea bothers me a bit. The use of the word ultimate, in particular, strikes me as a way to introduce tunnel vision to the discussion of masculinity. It feels subtly demeaning to the men that choose not to be fathers for (as an example) environmental reasons. It also implies that there are not ways for childfree men to mature or be seen as pro-social. My husband and I do not want to have kids, but I can attest that my husband's maturity has not taken any hits due to this decision.
I worry that this idea and the way it's phrased will have unintended consequences. While there are certainly benefits to reexamining fatherhood, I am hoping that this research doesn't end up myopic and even pressure men into having kids they may not want or be able to manage for reasons they may not be able to fully change.
Looking forward to seeing the impact of your work on fathers’ involvement in their children’s lives, Richard! I’m sure it will inform the work of National Fatherhood Initiative®.
Positive developments about fatherhood that we can celebrate on Father’s Day! 😎
I’m looking forward to Dad Brain. Im hopeful about this fatherly direction for AIBM.
What I hope it doesn’t turn into is a punching down through attempts to feminize men into roles that serve the wife in the short term and no one in the long term.
For instance, creating a norm that more inside household domestic duties automatically means positive growth. That lowered testosterone levels is automatically a good thing.
After decades of man-hating feminism, ever-fewer men are marrying and starting families.
Modern society has diminished fatherhood twice: 1st weakening the role of biological fathers, then dimissing the need for spiritual fatherhood.
It is brilliant to hear this is an area you are focusing on. From the work I’ve done in this space the challenge often wasn’t dad’s not wanting to be involved, present and supportive, but rather the issue was integration. Lacking the tools to be the type of dad they want to be.
Fatherhood is one path. Not all men want to be fathers. There are other paths for men to walk.
I chose not to be a father. I had good reasons for it. I honor the men who can make the conscious choice to be good fathers...and I hope more men recognize the responsibility that comes with that choice.
I'd love to hear how "becoming a father has a salutary effect on men...economically". I am married in my late 30s and more or less resigned to probably never getting to be a father because there is no realistic scenario in which my spouse and I will ever earn enough money to afford to be parents.
I had my first child at age 20 with the parents both in college and working. I then had children in my 30s and 40s. I was able to provide more luxuries to my children later in life but even the two youngest experienced nice vacations and private schools. Your children do not need the latest video games, phones, etc. They need love, attention, shelter, and food. You can't recoup time, so I say put aside those thoughts and have the children.
Thanks for the encouragement, but it sounds like we live in very different socioeconomic environments. My thoughts are not about private school and vacations; they're much more, how would we pay for childcare and seeing a pediatrician? (Being gay I also don't get to be a father without proving I am economically fit to do so to child protective services or an adoption agency, which is paradoxically quite expensive in its own right.)
Do you have an employer? Insurance? That's how you pay for a pediatrician. Daycare is either one of two things. You pay for it and have two working parents or you have a parent stay home. As far as adopting a child; all couples or people go through vetting including financial regardless of your sexual orientation. In your late 30s, you should be financially stable or, at a minimum, close to being so. You don't need to be in the top percentage of earnings to raise children. I grew up very lower middle class and we survived just fine.