The case for male spaces

Fears of the Old Boys' Club are now doing more harm than good

The issue of male loneliness is getting some long overdue attention. I just appeared in a PBS Newshour segment on the subject with Geoff Bennett, in which you can also see the whole AIBM team at work. (Or rather, pretending to be at work for the purposes of the camera):

Speaking of the American Institute for Boys and Men, we’re hiring again. Come join us as a Research Associate or share the job listing with your contacts. It’s on Linkedin here if that’s more your thing. Thank you!

Intentional friendship

I really recommend the PBS piece, which includes some inspiring examples of men working to create fellowship and friendship. Here’s some of what I had to say on the subject:

You can't neglect a friendship and expect it to just grow. You have to work at it. You have to find the time. And my observation is that many women are just better at doing that and building it into their lives. . .I think these statistics on young male isolation and, relatedly, of suicide rates is part and parcel of this displacement that we see of time away from friendship.

We do need to be intentional about male friendship. We need to be intentional about combating against male loneliness, and that we have to create spaces that are not going to create themselves.

I also recommend this LA Times column from Jean Guerrera, calling for more empathy towards men and more support for places and spaces for boys and men to spend time together. As she writes:

Feminists’ suspicion of all-male spaces and male bonding rituals makes sense given their sexist history. But today, these spaces can make men stronger allies of women. When men support each other, it relieves women of the burden of their emotional labor. And it can teach men reciprocity and listening skills.

I got some heat from more conservative-leaning types when I approvingly tweeted that quote. The fair point was made that the value of male spaces is primarily for boys and men themselves, not to make them better allies to women. That’s true. But dudes, you’ve got to learn to take a win. Guerrera is a feminist supporting the need for more empathy towards for men, and for more male spaces. Of course she does so through a feminist lens. But if your goal is to create a coalition comprising only those sharing your own motivations, you’ll be waiting a long time .

I’ve written about male friendship before. There’s an intentionality required. But I increasing think that male sociality might need more institutional scaffolding too - more at least than perhaps is needed for women. Men tend to “do” friendship when they are doing something else, or at least pretending too.

The tragedy is that if male relationships require more institutional support, we’ve been steadily eroding those institutions, especially those tailoring specifically to boys.

Girl Boy Scouts

One of the most odder court cases of the last few years was GIRL SCOUTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, Plaintiff, v. BOY SCOUTS OF AMERICA, Defendant. Girls Scouts suing Boy Scouts doesn’t seem very, well, Scout-y, does it?

The lawsuit, dismissed in New York District Court in 2022, centered on whether the term “scouting” could be used by the Boy Scouts to attract recruits. But what the case was really about was the decision of the Boy Scouts of America in 2018 to admit girls. The Girl Scouts leadership were justifiably concerned that if girls could become Boy Scouts, they might lose members. (There is no sign that Girl Scouts will admit boys).

The Boy Scouts have now rebranded as “Scouts BSA”. The S in BSA still stands for Scouts. The full name of the organization now is: “Scouts Boy Scouts of America”. I don’t think the Scouts BSA would be awarded the Scout Writer Badge:

(My guess is that Scouts BSA hope that people eventually forget what the “B” and the “S” once stood for, rather like few people know what the letters in IBM stand for).

The advice to Scout groups on how to use the various terms is predictably bizarre:

“Remember that girls who are in Scouts BSA are members of the Boys Scouts of America”.

“Don’t use the word ‘girl’ before ‘Scouts’…Do say ‘Join Troop 123 for girls’”.

There were all kinds of motivations for the move to encourage girls to become Boy Scouts, including the troubled finances of the organization following massive payouts for sex abuse claims, as well as a positive desire to make life easier for parents with both sons and daughters.

But the move was also part of a general trend away from male-only organizations and spaces. Founded in 1906, the Boys Clubs of America went coed in 1990, becoming Boys and Girls Clubs. There are only three men’s colleges remaining in the U.S. compared to 25 women’s colleges (though the decline has been huge for both).

In 1978, the Young Men’s Christian Association (YMCA) banned all gender discrimination, and now focuses on the wellbeing of children, young people and the wider community with no specific orientation towards boys or men. By contrast, the YWCA mission retains a focus on “empowering women”.

Overall, the trend has been for male organizations to become co-ed, even as female ones remain single-sex, or at least keep their specific mission to serve girls and women. In many companies and organizations, there will be women’s networks or groups but not equivalents for men.

There's been a reasonable concern that in a professional setting, all-male groups or activities might serve to promote men’s opportunities at the expense of women. In general I think that even in these settings, that fear is largely outdated. But more importantly, the fear of the Old Boys Club in the office should not extend to a general opposition to male spaces of any kind, even for boys.

For a thoughtful and funny take on the squeezing out of male spaces in a more physical sense, see this essay from Brett McKay, he of the Art of Manliness, including this nice line:

With every room co-opted in the house by women or children, and with few bastions of manliness in the public sphere left standing to escape to, men were relegated to claiming a solitary chair as their designated male space. (Think Archie Bunker and the dad from Frasier.)

Given the rise in male loneliness and suicide and other mental health issues, it is probably time to look much more kindly on the case for male organizations, spaces and institutions. I think we’ll look back on the decision of so many organizations, especially those focused on boys and young men, to abandon a single-sex approach as a mistake.

It could even be that all-male environments enable boys and men to develop the relational skills they will need to flourish in a co-ed world, and in more equal marriages. The provision of at least some single-sex spaces might in fact be supportive of a more gender-egalitarian world.